There comes a time in one’s life when inner reflection becomes inevitable and a longing for days gone by whips up feelings of nostalgia for simpler times. Everyone will reach this point and hate that time and life don’t have pause or rewind buttons. Then comes the cynical phrases/stories we’ve heard from our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and every other elder we’ve ever met. Well… I slammed into that wall known as age a couple of weeks ago and it’s my turn to finally say the words I never wanted to hear myself say. I’ve been dreading this day my entire life, but it’s okay because there’s a bottle of Jack right next to me on the nightstand. Here we go… YOU KIDS HAVE IT SO DAMN EASY THESE DAYS!
Aaaaaand there goes the first shot. I can’t tell which left a worse taste in my mouth, but they both sting. I might be forgetting the point I’m trying to make, so let’s call this one a rant for now until the right braincells click on. Anyway, it pisses me off immensely whenever I hear some little shit play a game I grew up with and say something along the lines of “The graphics suck!” or “This is the worst game I’ve ever played!” or “Call of Duty is way better than this!” Um, no. Fuck you and the broken condom that resulted in your birth. Call of Duty is NOT better than A Link to the Past and I should end your life for even THINKING you can utter such words in my presence, you mindless retarded underwear-staining little shit!
I was actually a heavy drinker in Mass Effect. I almost wish that could’ve been a part of my Shepard’s character development.
You goddamn kids with your advanced physics engines and your 1080p displays and your online multiplayer! Just because your game is shiny and looks like every other game on the market doesn’t make it better than the games I grew up with. In fact, just BECAUSE it looks indistinguishable from other games in the same genre automatically gives your crappy little Call of Duty a failing grade BELOW failing when it comes to being memorable or endearing. Google search “endearing” on the tablet your parents bought for you last Christmas in case your feeble underdeveloped mind can’t comprehend it. Start leveling up your vocabulary. Back in the 8 and 16-bit era the games that became icons were identifiable from each other even with their limited graphical capabilities. Mega Man and Mario looked NOTHING like each other, their enemies were as uniquely designed as they were, and the levels were vivid and colorful and a JOY to explore! Nowadays, the color palette of most games is gray and brown and the enemy design looks like they came from a shared template used by every artist working in the industry.
Oh look! It’s a level out of every game made in the last decade!
Let’s talk difficulty now. These days you’ve got tutorials that hold your hand and walk with you every step of the way. I HATE tutorials! Do you even know what it means to find enjoyment in figuring something out for yourself? No, you fucking don’t! Because if something becomes “too hard” there’s a goddamn tutorial ready to tell you how to fucking play the game. Why play it at all?! Why don’t you just sit down and let someone else play it for you?! Oh, wait, you do?! How many times have you played something once or twice, died, and then asked someone else to do it for you? Don’t lie, you little bastards, you know you do this all the fucking time. And you dare say Super Mario Bros. is too easy when you can’t even figure out how to flank an AI that doesn’t know how to look left? You seriously think running from the left side of the screen to the right is easy? Well… its fucking not, okay?! Yeah, alright, it SOUNDS easy but it really isn’t. Get the fuck out of here with your goddamn tutorials and go play with a stick or something. If you manage to beat the first boss in ANY Final Fantasy game without using a Phoenix Down I’ll concede that you are a better gamer than I. Oh, yeah, and there’s no respawning. Sorry. Now shut the fuck up and have your entire party get wiped out a million times. Yeah, that’s right. A party. You’re responsible for four characters simultaneously and each one has a unique set of skills so you better figure out how to make the best use of them if you want to make it to Kefka you better learn how to strategize in turn-based combat.
You will NOT beat him the first time. You won’t even beat him the first three times! Your l33t skilz don’t mean shit here!
Oh, so now you wanna talk shit about how you don’t understand what’s going on? I’m sorry my games don’t constantly have some asshole screaming at you over a radio to “Take out that turret!” or “Save America!” Again, fuck you! The princess has been kidnapped (again) and everyone else is too incompetent to save her so it’s up to Mario! Doesn’t get much easier to understand than that. If you want something a bit more complicated than let’s play some Chrono Trigger! No story gets as deep or complicated as one that involves time travel. You witness historical events and become a part of them, you pick up party members from the past and the future and deal with the problems of their respective time periods, you change history, and you end up creating paradoxes that would make Doc Brown flip his shit if he were there! Or better yet, try to follow the timeline from The Legend of Zelda series!
The Legend of Zelda has such a complicated timeline and story that Nintendo had to release a fucking BOOK about it!
And you better not bitch and moan about not having online multiplayer in any of my games. You know what that equates to? Me! Me standing next to you screaming and cursing in your ear as you prove how much you fucking suck in every game cartridge I smack you in the face with. The experience is basically the same except you’ll be crying for your mommy because you can’t mute or boot me from your play session! Isn’t it enthralling?! Don’t you LOVE being belittled and degraded in real-life by a REAL gamer who knows what systems came before the Xbox 360?
Thus ends my alcohol infused rant for today. “But, Zero,” you may say, “this really doesn’t seem like an appropriate thing to post.” Uh-huh. It’s MY blog! I’M ZERO! IT’S CALLED “THE ZERO LOGS”! I’ll post what I want and talk shit about whatever or whoever I want, so if you can’t handle that write your own damn blog. I do this for me, not you! Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to play Chrono Trigger again. I’ve only gotten through 10 endings. Oh yeah, there’s multiple endings, too! Does God of War have a dozen endings? No! Go fuck yourself!