I'm having a hard time writing anything right now.
My entire life, well at least most of it, I've been a writer. It's something I excelled at as a kid and continued to excel at throughout my time in school. To this day, I still consider myself a writer. At the very least, I consider myself to be someone with a knack for writing. Despite my inability to master many other things, writing has always been something I could fall back on. If I wasn't good at something, at least I could write about how bad I am at it.
But, recently, it's been a real struggle to write much of anything in the past month or so. My last blog entry was July 25th, over a month ago, though since then I've had plans to write several entries and other articles. I write down ideas constantly, but 99.9% of those ideas never come to fruition. I want to write these things, but I just never do.
This bothers me, because writing has always been a passion of mine. Yet, if that's the case, if I continually tell myself that I am a writer and what I can do well is write, then why is it so hard for me to sit down and actually write as of late?
It's not like I have a writer's block. I have a computer full of ideas already typed out and infinite ideas always popping up in my head as I assume that's how it is for others. And I have so many sources of inspiration – all the games I play, all the music I listen to, all the events I travel to, all the people I meet.
Yet, here I am, not writing an actual blog entry but writing a meta-entry, an entry about my entries, an installment in my blog about my blog. Something about the person behind all of this, instead of moving forward.
My biggest problem is that I feel like maybe writing will not always been my biggest passion. I can go a while without writing anything meaningful. I'm not itching to write down paragraphs of prose at any opportunity. But, it's all I have.
Sure, I play video games, that's really the only thing I do more than writing (aside from basic human functions, human interaction, and possibly academia). That I would say is my only passion – I don't go a day without playing a video game or thinking about them or reading about them. Video games will probably always be a part of my life. I wouldn't mind playing some Pokemon on my deathbed.
I think my problem is that, even though I have stuff like college and hanging out with friends and other college-student-age things that I should be doing, I always feel like I should be working on a project or something to advance my career. That's part of the reason why I generate content, because it will help me in the future and will help me hone my skills.
But, that expectation to always be doing more...is that even normal? Does that truly separate the good from the great, the average from the best? Or is it just enough to be doing well in college and having relationships and enjoying life?
Because what I'm not enjoying is getting worked up about the fact that I haven't written much of anything but feeling that I should. Should I force myself to write just because I'm good at it or because it's something I've always done? Why burden myself if I'm not even going to enjoy it?
Now that I think about it, this could be a transition phase for me. I've been getting a bit more into acting, but that tempts me to get more into scriptwriting without any formal training yet (though I have some great ideas). And I have an open schedule, I could pick up a game and really go into the lab and practice. However, none of those things have become things that I have gotten so excited about that I absolutely need to do them or incorporate them into my daily routine. Is that okay? I don't know if it is.
The thing is, I don't want to come to ultimatums just yet. I haven't been part of the acting, or “Hollywood” world in general, long enough to really know if its for me. Plus, I wouldn't even consider myself a true actor, come to think of it. And I don't know if I want to dedicate hours upon hours of my life into one game to the point that I don't even get to enjoy other games or even that one game that has now become much like a job.
Potential scares me, too. I know I have a lot of it, so am I really applying myself to get the most out of what I can do? I just don't know where to apply it, it seems.
And, this all does come back to the writing thing. Maybe I just need a break from it. Maybe I'll really get back into it after a good break or if I find something else that I just love too much not to put my fingers to the keyboard once again. Or maybe I do just need to force myself and that will create a much-needed spark.
I really don't know. I'm just...stuck. I'd love words of advice right now.