IT'S NAUGHTY TIME!
Xbox 360 crap Naughty Bear PS3
That's right, you stupid bear! I'm about to tear you a new one!
You all know me by now and you know I like a good story. Wanna know the story of this game? Well, apparently Naughty Bear is Naughty and the other bears donít like him so they treat him like crap. This seems to always enrage Naughty to the point where he decides he needs to go out and kill all the other bears. I know what youíre thinking because I thought it, too. ďJosh, that sounds like an awesome premise! Iíve always wanted to go on a sociopathic murdering spree!Ē First off, get help. Secondly, Iíve wanted to do that, too. Thirdly, this game goes about it the wrong way. That kind of plot is best suited to an open sandbox game where youíre given the freedom to roam a large environment to slowly destroy whatever system is beating you down. Naughty Bear throws you into a level consisting of three to four extremely confined areas where your objective is pretty much always the same: Kill everything (or drive it insane) and move on to the next area.
OH MY GOD! HE SAID BOO! THIS TERRIFIES ME FOR NO COMPELLING REASON!!! Also, I'm stuck in an obviously placed bear trap!
Naughty Bear presents itself as a kid friendly game with ďcuteĒ teddy bear characters, a cartoon world to run around in, and a narrator that breaks the fourth wall to speak directly to Naughty. None of this comes off as original or unique to me. It all seems rather lazy since the only voice actor that speaks is the narrator while the bears make weird ďcutesyĒ sounds that are just a piss poor excuse for language, the cartoon design is just an excuse to avoid putting detail into anything, and the narrator has to constantly explain whatís going on since the bears donít actually speak and are unable to carry the ďplotĒ on their own. Speaking of the plot (if you can call it that) it falls apart as soon as you begin the next level. Naughty kills all the other bears and yet they appear perfectly unharmed when you make it to the next chapter. Why are they suddenly okay? Why is Naughty treated the way he is? Why do the other bears hate him so? How is it that Conker: Live and Reloaded looks a million times better than this?! Too many unanswered questions, so letís move on.
Why do they hate you, Naughty? It couldn't possibly be because you keep killing them, could it?
This is a game designed for the Xbox 360 and PS3, but you definitely wouldnít be able to tell by looking at it. The graphics in it are so bad that they insult even the Wiiís worst looking title. Both consoles have massive processing power and yet there are still plenty of times where the small maps and shitty textures have pop-up issues. Then thereís the lag Ė dear God I canít forget the lag. Whenever three or more bears are on screen at once the framerate starts to choke more than a supermodel after eating something that constitutes an actual meal. On top of all that, bears (including you) will often run straight through walls and each other making the game chaotic to play. These are all things that arenít supposed to be problems in this day and age with the kind of technology packed into these consoles and yet they still exist.
I've seen better graphics on the Wii's virtual console.
Naughty Bear consists of seven chapter where you first try to kill everything in sight. Naturally, a seasoned gamer could burn through the whole game in about two hours. To combat this and to try to add something reminiscent of longevity, the developers made it so that you have to play through each chapter several times but with a slightly different objective each time such as: donít hit the other bears, drive them all insane, donít get seen, beat the level within a short time period, and so on.
It also rewards you with special costumes if you score enough naughty points. The costumes are supposed to do things like give you more health or improve your accuracy, but the game is so damn broken that none of these advantages work. The only exception is that some costumes give you the ability to walk amongst the other bears unnoticed until you beat them with a piece of meat or whatever else you find lying around and create panic among the retarded inhabitants that somehow manage to step on traps that are clearly not hidden.
The game is utterly simple in this aspect because youíll be mainly using one button to hit everything, but the bad design somehow manages to take something simple and make it utterly frustrating. The very first thing youíll realize when you start playing is that the camera is HORRENDOUS!!! Seriously, Iíve gotten headaches from the damn thing and almost threw up on one occasion. Because the maps are so small things like trees, buildings, and other objects frequently obscure the camera so it tries to compensate by having a seizure and flying in every direction imaginable! As if that wasnít enough to frustrate the hell out of you, you have no way of locking onto targets so youíll often find yourself wildly attacking a bear who seems to only get hit half of the time despite the fact that he hasnít moved very much at all.
As I mentioned before the only voice actor is the narrator who speaks directly to Naughty and somehow canít be heard by the other bears. Maybe heís a voice in Naughtyís head just like the one in my head that said this would be a good game! Throughout this suck-fest he spouts out really lame puns so often that youíll wish you could see his face so you could punch him in the jaw. The music is equally annoying because the entire soundtrack consists of the same three songs playing in a never-ending loop depending on how high the chaos is. The songs arenít even catchy in any way or enjoyable. Theyíre the typical crap youíd expect to find in a really boring kidís show like Wonder Pets. Not much can be said for sound design due to the fact that there is barely anything to comment on! So this game loses another point from me.
Thatís right! Iíve added another topic just for this game! Naughty Bear is full of game-breaking glitches that it makes me wonder if there were any quality assurance people working on it or if they were brain dead. The one youíll encounter more than the others is what I like to refer to as the ďShadow CatĒ bug. Naughty Bear and all the other bears will frequently run straight through walls, each other, you, and your attacks. Of course, thereís the glitch where the game will freeze up and force you to reset the system, as well. Only games as bad as this one would have that. For me the worst glitch is the one that hits before you can even start the game. This happened to be on more than one occasion and it floored me each and every time. The gameís main menu would lock up the moment it appears onscreen forcing you to once again restart and sit through all the irritating logos when you first boot it up. It doesnít help that the load times are way too long for a game so lacking in everything.
I never encountered this glitch, but obviously this means there are others I didn't witness.
I had such high expectations for this game and before writing this review I was going to give it a slightly (VERY slightly) higher score. But reliving that awful experience and the fact that it made me NOT want to write about it (which I thought was impossible to do), and that I had to devote a section to the gameís glitches forces me to give Naughty Bear a 0 out of 5.
The baby says it all.
If you want a cartoon-styled mature game I suggest either Conkerís Bad Fur Day or Conker: Live and Reloaded on the Nintendo 64 and Xbox respectively.